May 312012
 

The Horrifying Transformation of Derek Holland, A Visual Examination of Total Disintegration

 

I’m going to spare you the harrowing details.

You could have equipped a Roman gladiator with a shield camera and you wouldn’t have captured half the gore and bloodshed witnessed in tonight’s 21-8, two-possession, one-sided, testicle-shattering loss by the Texas Rangers.

A  loss that came at the hands of the freaking Seattle Mariners.  Yep, those Mariners.

And to think it all started off so innocently.

The Horrifying Transformation of Derek Holland, A Visual Examination of Total Disintegration

Derek Holland looked sharp in the first inning, striking out two of three on just 10 pitches.

Sadly, the first inning would be the last time Holland would get three outs. The second inning, or, as it will be remembered from this point forward: “The GD Mother F****** second inning” would rear its ugly head all too soon.

The Horrifying Transformation of Derek Holland, A Visual Examination of Total Disintegration

It started off with a Jesus Montero single. No biggie, he's going to be a fine big league hitter.

 

The Horrifying Transformation of Derek Holland, A Visual Examination of Total Disintegration

That wasn't Justin Smoak that ripped a double to left field was it?

 

 

The Horrifying Transformation of Derek Holland, A Visual Examination of Total Disintegration

Well, there's no way Miguel Olivo is going to drive in those two runners!

 

The Horrifying Transformation of Derek Holland, A Visual Examination of Total Disintegration

Well I'll be g** damn**, Olivo just drove in those two runners!

 

The Horrifying Transformation of Derek Holland, A Visual Examination of Total Disintegration

Sure, Brendan Ryan is going to get a hit every now and then. Dustin Ackley is an easy out...

 

The Horrifying Transformation of Derek Holland, A Visual Examination of Total Disintegration

Are you fu***** kidding me? After Ackley homers Chone gets a hit? I'm pretty sure I struck him out once in a slow-pitch softball tournament.

 

The Horrifying Transformation of Derek Holland, A Visual Examination of Total Disintegration

Well there's no way Seagar is going to hit! Hahaha! He's like 0-for-May.

 

The Horrifying Transformation of Derek Holland, A Visual Examination of Total Disintegration

Okay, Dutch. Calm down. Breath. As long as Jesus Montero doesn't take you to downtown Dong city, you'll be fine.

 

The Horrifying Transformation of Derek Holland, A Visual Examination of Total Disintegration

Mother f****** p**** o* shi* how the f*** did that f***** s*** just f****** happen?!?!?

 

The Horrifying Transformation of Derek Holland, A Visual Examination of Total Disintegration

And after two consecutive walks to Justin Smoak and Alex Liddi, the Kafka-esque metamorphosis is complete. Welcome back, Chan, you Ho.

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