I’m going to spare you the harrowing details.
You could have equipped a Roman gladiator with a shield camera and you wouldn’t have captured half the gore and bloodshed witnessed in tonight’s 21-8, two-possession, one-sided, testicle-shattering loss by the Texas Rangers.
A loss that came at the hands of the freaking Seattle Mariners. Yep, those Mariners.
And to think it all started off so innocently.
Derek Holland looked sharp in the first inning, striking out two of three on just 10 pitches.
Sadly, the first inning would be the last time Holland would get three outs. The second inning, or, as it will be remembered from this point forward: “The GD Mother F****** second inning” would rear its ugly head all too soon.
It started off with a Jesus Montero single. No biggie, he's going to be a fine big league hitter.
That wasn't Justin Smoak that ripped a double to left field was it?
Well, there's no way Miguel Olivo is going to drive in those two runners!
Well I'll be g** damn**, Olivo just drove in those two runners!
Sure, Brendan Ryan is going to get a hit every now and then. Dustin Ackley is an easy out...
Are you fu***** kidding me? After Ackley homers Chone gets a hit? I'm pretty sure I struck him out once in a slow-pitch softball tournament.
Well there's no way Seagar is going to hit! Hahaha! He's like 0-for-May.
Okay, Dutch. Calm down. Breath. As long as Jesus Montero doesn't take you to downtown Dong city, you'll be fine.
Mother f****** p**** o* shi* how the f*** did that f***** s*** just f****** happen?!?!?
And after two consecutive walks to Justin Smoak and Alex Liddi, the Kafka-esque metamorphosis is complete. Welcome back, Chan, you Ho.