Yu Darvish’s initial spring training start was universally dubbed a galactic success.
Whoops, I just misspelled “success.” Darvish’s outing was so amazing that the synonym for “conquest” can no longer be spelled without a “Yu.” Literally.
Spelling the word in this manner not only pleases the eye, it pleasures your computer. My laptop just gave me a high-five! What? You thought Yu-mania was only reserved for human beings?! HA!
As a matter of fact there is only one man—in the entire galaxy, I checked—saddened by Yu Darvish’s unprecedented series of spring training successes. That man is Neftali Feliz.
After all, the accolade-overdose thrust upon The Yu, was supposed to be dumped on Neftali too.
Regardless, Feliz made his spring training debut last Thursday, and BaseballDo sent me there for a quick interview.
Well, sort of.
My first question for Neftali Feliz was of the hard-hitting journalistic style. Hey, I didn’t spend a decade in hard-hitting journalism school for nothing!
“So Feliz, in your opinion, is there any way that Yu Darvish could possibly become any better than he already is?”
After a moment of deep reflection, Feliz explained to me in his native tongue that he needed more time to consider his answer to this question.
My initial question would prove to be my only query, as Feliz proceeded to conduct the entire interview solomente. And for those of you that aren’t bilingue, “solomente” meant that he conducted the entire interview by himself. Yep, he asked himself the questions, and then answered them. Out loud. Yeah, it was weird. It made my job pretty easy though, I just kicked back and wrote it all down. I have provided the necessary translations in italics.
“En mis propias palabras. Las palabras que fueron inventadas por otra persona.”
I am now talking, and in doing so, I am speaking out-loud in a manner that is similar to an interview, especially an interview that is conducted by only one person, the person that is doing the interview.
“By Neftali Feliz.”
By Neftali Feliz. And yes, he actually said the words out loud. Again this is odd. But hey, he’s the former rookie of the year not me!
“En mi primero estrada.”
My first inning of work.
“No fue bien. Obscenidad. Rendí un jonrón al hombre gordo grande llamó pinche puto ‘Asno’. Obscenidad”
It was poor. Expletive. A really fat “Donkey-man” took me deep on my fastball. Expletive.
“Esto me hizo enojado. El año pasado personas lo baten tirando secretamente. Obscenidad. Me recordó del Diablo Supermo, pinche jota de los Cardinales del sexto juego. Obscenidad.”
I was angered by this unexpected turn of events. Last year, you could get him out by throwing underhand. Expletive. Donkey-man had the happy look in his eye of Freese from game six. Expletive.
“Como mirando los tetas grandes de Asno zangolotean me audaron me calmo. Jajaja. ¡Entonces jogoso! Jajaja.”
The large Donkey-man’s jiggling breasts as he rounded the bases helped to calm my frazzled nerves. Hahaha. So juicy! Hahaha.
“Sólo en los Estados Unidos hace tienen a hombres con tetas grandes como eso. ¡Sólo mujeres están como eso en el Dominicano¡ Podría cambiar…cosas.”
Large jiggling breasts on men are a product of the United States of America only. Only women have such wonderful devices in the Dominican. Large breasted men could…change things.
NOTE: The laugh included was my own. Feliz did not laugh, and for a moment things became awkward as he stared my way.
Suddenly, my decision to wear an Under Armor compression shirt went from a comfortably cool idea into a misguided mistake. Those things really cling to the old man-boobs. For the first time in my life, I felt that the room was a tad too cold.
I briefly explained to Neftali that my eyes were “up here” which seemed to shatter the spell.
For the next several moments we cleared our throats—while making assorted manly noises—and talked about how much more attractive women are than men.
Yes, even the large breasted men were not nearly as attractive as women.
Feliz suddenly had the look of a man that had discovered a simple solution to a difficult problem. For the first time in a few minutes, the former closer spoke:
“Dibujaré para usted la respuesta a su pregunta.”
I will draw for you the question to my answer.
He proceeded to grab a large sketchbook from under his chair. He immediately began to draw, pausing only to to put on a painter’s beret with matching turtleneck. More than once, he laughed maniacally. It was unsettling.
Finally, he tore off a page and carefully folded it once before handing it my way. He then decided to conclude his interview of himself.
“En el Segundo entrada, Washington permitó que tire mi queso grande y yo dominé. Aquí permita que le muestre algo.”
In the second inning, the capital of the United States of America allowed me to throw my fastball, which smelled of cheese. I dominated.
“Siga. Eche una Mirada a eso. ¡Eso es lo que deseo hablo de ahora! Jajajaja.”
Go Ahead. Take a look at that. That picture I drew is answer to your first question! Hahahaha.
I unfolded the paper and discovered that he had drawn a picture of Yu Darvish. Something was very different about him, though. It was probably the enormous knockers drawn on Darvish’s body that marked the biggest difference.
Neftali Feliz gave me a sly smile, followed by a thumbs-up sign. Then in English, he said:
”That is the only way Yu Darvish could be become any better!”
¡Las tetas grandes son las únicas maneras Yu Darvish podría conseguir mejor!
As I left the interview room and closed the door, I could still faintly make out the crazy cackle of Neftali Feliz. I feel certain that he continued to laugh (in Spanish) long after I had made my way into the hard-hitting journalistic style parking spot that had been reserved for yours truly.
Hell, he may still be laughing right now.