Some of today’s hottest stories read more like something from a trashy celebrity gossip column than an awesome baseball-centric website.
Well, who are we at Baseball Do to let the tabloid rags have all the fun (and pageviews)?
Vengeful fist of Old Testament “G” dishes out punishment on Josh Hamilton
• Josh Hamilton has always been the number one priority to the big “G,” everyone’s favorite benevolently bearded head-honcho of Heaven.
This of course is not exactly breaking news. Because, let’s face it, who cares about war, fathom, death or really expensive gas prices when Hamilton isn’t happy?
Well, just like a top mob boss, once you make a deal with the big “G” you’d better darn well hold up your end of the bargain…
Hamilton, after setting the world on fire in April and May (metaphorically, of course), quickly morphed into the worst player in the history of Major League Baseball in June and July (chart, below).
And now, finally, we know the reason why: The Wrath of the Big G.
Now why in the “h,” “e,” “double hockey stick,” had we not figured out the reason until now? The answer to his suck-factor was smack-dab under our sniffers the whole time! Much like the sweet, sweet scent of Skoal.
Evidently, Hamilton made a pact to stop the lip service, only to later give in to the evil clutches of the un-saintly snuff stuff once again.
Oh, the horrors! Truly, hell hath no fury like a plummeting OPS.
Here’s hoping that Hamilton can come to some kind of mutually beneficial agreement with the big G, because as it worked out, Hami’s punishment ended up being harsh only on his fans. What in the Hades? We were the ones that had to suffer through his nicotine-free bouts of inexplicable suckage.
New York Yankees’ Captain, Derek Jeter to undergo sex change
• It’s a well known fact that shortstop Derek Jeter has lost his fair share of range over the years. Now, it’s become apparent that the Captain is willing to lose far more than that…
Derek Jeter, per numerous reports, as well as good old fashioned common sense, is all set to undergo the necessary surgery needed for him to finally flee the vestige of the fairer sex.
Yep, Derek Jeter is going to become a man, man.
Concerned for El Capitan? Well, you should be, as this surgery is hardcore. Yeah, gone are the day’s where all it took to go from chick to dude was a little duct tape and a cadaver’s hooded hero.
Asked about what he is most excited about once the sex change is complete, Mr. 3000 said that “Being able to urinate while standing up,” is the most alluring ability but that “picking out towels for aesthetics rather than function, as well as selecting cute shell-shaped soaps due to their sweet smells rather than cleaning properties…” will be sorely missed.
No press release has been issued by the Yankees in regards to Jeter, who most likely, was (pre-surgery) Major League Baseball’s first female ball player.
Once his considerable stitches have finally heeled, it is unknown whether or not Jeter will boycott Chick-Fil-A, since they frown upon the consumption of fried chicken between same-sex partners, and now his formerly heterosexual relationship will become a homosexual one.
Jeter’s longtime beau, Alex Rodriguez, was unavailable for comment, but sources say he’s probably pissed off, as he could live off the Original Chicken Sandwich (no pickle.)
Cliff Lee placed on waivers
• Former Philadelphia Phillies second-string ace, and decent left-hander, Clifton Phifer Lee, had been placed on the waiver wire, making him eligible to be claimed by any of nine different teams. This no-trade clause was inked in blood after he nipped a vein and signed his elventy-billion dollar contract prior to the 2011 Major League Baseball season.
No team put in a claim on Lee, but one team’s leader—name of Derek Jeter—has snatched up the the former resident of Benton, Arkansas.
Jeter, still recovering in his ginormous mansion while allowing his recently acquired bald-headed yogurt slinger (with matching knackers) to heal properly, was quoted as saying that Cliff Lee will be put to work immediately, and will function mainly as his third-string “pool boy,” but will also “take care of things around the house that I don’t want to anymore.”
When pressed for more information as to what these mundane tasks might entail, Jeter stated that: “I ruined my decorative soaps by using them to clean my hands after working all day on my hot rod. Then, I destroyed my lovely show-towels—the ones with Alex’s beautiful face with the minotaur body—by drying off my hands!”
An audible sigh was heard in the background from superstar third baseman (and Jeter’s chief boy toy) Alex Rodriguez. As it turns out, A-Rod was particularly melancholy because he hates it when Jeter refers to him as “hot rod,” even more so in public. He was also a little miffed about the minotaur hand towels too.
“So anyways, Cliffy Poo can run to the Bed, Bath and Beyond to pick up some supplies, and then just slap me silly if I try to use them again,” Jeter said with a wink in my general direction.
When asked if he would travel with his newly acquired man-servant to the local Bed, Bath and Beyond, his normally jovial mood headed south in a hurry.
Jeter stomped his foot—almost ruining his $200,000 Borgezie Stillettos. His face became drawn as his eyes narrowed. His right hand extended in a limp-wristed finger wag, first to the heavens, and then to my chest.
“NO! No, no, no! I will NOT go to the three bees with Phifer Lee! That is HIS job! Be.
(stiletto stomp) Sides. (stiletto stomp) They don’t let real men shop there anyways.”
It was a chilling moment, and one that will live with me forever. I’m going to keep my complementary minotaur towel. Yeah, that’s right complEmentary. It goes well with my free Chick-Fil-A sandwich coupon.