May 262012

Nelson Cruz Goes Nuclear, Boomstick Butt Kicks Blue Jays with 8 RBI

Cruz is heating up.

“…A friend who was troubled and weary he knew,
Who’d be glad of a lift and who needed it, too;
On him he would call and see what he could do
Edgar Albert Guest, Tomorrow.

That succinctly summarizes what the Texas Rangers offense was able to do to Morrow—Brandon, that is—during last night’s 14-3 Blue Jays beatdown…not feeling it?

All right, how about:

“…An offense that was troubled and weary Nellie knew,
His team would be glad of a lift and needed it, too;
On his boomstick he would call and see what he could do
To Brandon Morrow.”

Hell yes!

And now for the fun, non-poetic, Rangers kicking-ass, feel-good stuff:

The Sorrow of Brandon Morrow (sorry, couldn’t resist)

•Morrow threw 14 pitches to leadoff batter Ian Kinsler, before losing him to a walk.
•He would only throw 30 more pitches before exiting the game, down 6-0. Surrendering an average of one run every five pitches thrown.
• Morrow’s ERA entering last night’s Texas Rangers slugfest was 2.63. Now it’s 3.47 and he needed just two-thirds of an inning to put Tiger Balm on his ERA’s bozack.
• Poor Morrow, I never new a “slump buster” could be tall, thin, bearded and—worst of all—a freaking dude.

Boom Shack-a-Lacka Shack-a-Lacka Boom Boomstick!

• Nelson Cruz’s first home run—Grand Slam style sucka Boo-ya! in 11 days was just one of his four hits on the night.
• He went 4-for-5 with 8 RBI. This tied him for the most RBI in a game this season with Josh Hamilton, who was 5-5 (with 4 home runs) on May 8th.
• Seriously? What team has two dudes knock in 8 in one game just 17 days apart? Answer: Our team!

No, Jeff, you can’t wear catcher’s gear on the mound…

• The only Blue Jays pitcher that didn’t allow at least two earned runs last night is not really a pitcher.
• Of course, Jeff Mathis isn’t much of catcher either, but that’s beside the point.
Delusional Angels skipper, Mike Scioscia, most likely viewed Mathis as a better pitcher than Mike Napoli too.

I’ve got your slump right here, pal!

• The Rangers 14 runs scored were the most they’d plated since their 13-6 win over the Los Angeles Angels of that city near Disneyland, on May 13th.
• Michael Young’s 3 runs scored last night were one more than he had scored in his previous nine games combined. His 3-for-5 night raised his average to .276—and he is now hitting over .400 against Brandon Morrow for his career.

The Dutch Oven is so HOT! right now…

• Derek Holland’s 9 strikeouts are the most he’s had this season and fell just one shy of his career high of 10.
• Holland struck out the side in the first inning and did the same in the sixth inning with the only blemish being Edward Encarnacion’s solo shot.

Timely Hitting, come and get some!

• The Rangers left 11 men on base, but hit .389 (7-for-18) with RISP.
• The Blue Jays hit .500 (1-for-2) with RISP; but who gives a shit?

Even though Koji Uehara is not currently sucking…

• There is no “Koji-has-to-suck-for-the-Rangers-to-succeed” hex. Whew! Now it’s just something silly I made up for a cheap laugh rather than a, you know, real “thing.”
Or maybe the onus has been passed on to Lowe’s anus, but who knows?

Up Next for the Rangers:

More potential Blue Jays bashing with the first pitch set for 2:05 PM today; check back here for the Colby Lewis (4-3, 3.30 ERA, 1.10 WHIP) vs. Henderson Alvarez (3-4, 3.30 ERA, 1.23 WHIP) pregame preview…

Go Rangers!

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