May 142012

What’s the matter with Koji Uehara?

Over the last few weeks or so he hasn’t, um…he hasn’t sucked so bad. Hell he’s been relatively decent…almost.

It’s kind of unsettling.

Koji’s string of sort-of successes couldn’t have come at a worse time for the Texas Rangers.

What in the hell are you talking about Tim? If Koji is pitching well, our beloved Texas Rangers are an unstoppable machine…the ultimate combination of killer offense and shutdown pitching!


If Uehara continues to channel his inner un-suck—or, heaven forbid, Koji clicks his pitch switch all the way up to “good”—we’re all screwed.

Huh? How could a so-so Koji be detrimental to one of the best teams the American League has seen in the last decade?

Well, its simple fellow Rangers fans: The universe hates perfection.

It’s true. There are subtle signs all over the world that showcase the universe’s powerful disdain for perfection…everything must be flawed; it is the way the world works.

Those that aren’t flawed are punished! Grrrrrr! Don’t mess with the universe, pal.

In fact, most things that seem perfect are actually flawed, sometimes two-fold. Consider these, dear readers:

• Megan Fox’s toe-thumbs and incessant refusal to shoot scenes fully nude.

Are the Texas Rangers too good? or The importance of Koji sucking

Toe thumbs and man hands...the hallmark of the universe's hatred of perfection.

• Tiger Wood’s solitary gray tooth and penchant for extramarital affairs with ugly women.
• Tim Tebow’s inability to throw a football and overwhelming eagerness to grant interviews that we all have to listen to.

Don’t get me wrong, the universe doesn’t just punish seemingly perfect individuals, it strikes down perfection in teams, leagues, and even cities!

It’s why:

• The New Orleans Saints can’t play NFL-caliber football without the framework of a contract killing.
• The National Hockey League refuses to change its name to the “Canadian Ice Soccer League.” See? That’d be too perfect. It’s just soccer on ice, folks.
• The City of Detroit…well, you know.

Are the Texas Rangers too good? or The importance of Koji sucking

Comerica is somewhere there hidden behind the layers of refuse.

Still not convinced? Well, as of yesterday, the Texas Rangers were on pace to win 106 games this season. That’s awesome. I would be even more stoked about this if my excitement weren’t tempered with a measure of scared shitless-ness.

The 1998 Yankees won 114 games and lost only three games—three freaking games—in the postseason on their way to a World Series Championship…and they did this despite/in spite of/because of Chuck Knoblauch.

Are the Texas Rangers too good? or The importance of Koji sucking

Moments after this photograph was taken, the photographer was badly injured by Knobby's terrible toss.

It’s pretty much scientifically proven that they would have won 49 games had they not had a second baseman that airmailed relay throws into the upper deck all season long…

The 2011 Seattle Mariners won an eye-popping 116 games…and were nearly swept out of the ALCS by the New York Yankees…okay, bad example.

But still, they set a record for most regular season wins with a 38-year-old lefty that couldn’t shatter a cracked window with his “heater.”

Yep, Jaime Moyer. Hard to believe he’s still pitching today, at the not-so-tender-and-actually-creepy-as-hell-age of 49.

Are the Texas Rangers too good? or The importance of Koji sucking

Hey there ladies. You want me to buy ya some beers? My van is air-conditioned.

So improbably imperfect is Moyer as a major leaguer, it’s why many experts are picking the Colorado Rockies to win it all this year…I digress.

Don’t worry, though, the Texas Rangers are already grooming a new potential patsy to sacrifice to the gods of suck…

Anybody watch Mark Lowe’s appearance last night?

But for now, we need you, Koji Uehara. We need you to get back to your comfort zone of suckiness.

How come?

For the same reason that Kate Upton is young enough to be my daughter. For the same reasons that Brad Pitt is going gray, and Julia Roberts’ mouth is large enough to park a mid-size sedan in.

And yes, you sickos, those were supposed to be flaws.

Are the Texas Rangers too good? or The importance of Koji sucking

Yep, those twin towers were created about the same time I was a junior in high school. And, no, I had no hand in that...but I'd like to put my hands get the idea.

All great things are flawed. The 2012 Texas Rangers are on the very precipice of greatness, staring down at the legions of inferior teams they have swatted to the wayside.

They laugh at the inferiority of the Jered Weavers and C.J. Wilsons of the world; all while pointing and giggling at the A-Rods and Swishers; and shrugging off the Verlanders and other mortal meanderers.

The Texas Rangers are peering directly into the cool madness of perfection. And in this galactic stare-down, perfection is fighting off the warmth of a blooming blush, almost ready to divert its gaze…

You CAN be too good.

We need Koji to be our team’s toe-thumb, the gray tooth floating amongst the sea of pearly whites. The self-righteous—yet somehow likeable—professional athlete with the completely wrong skill set for his sport.

So, Koji, if you can hear me, don’t f*** this up for us by not being a f***-up. We need you, man…so continue to hang your fastball; proceed to throw that basketball-sized splitter. Pick up that heavy heffer at Applebee’s. Trim those kick-ass sideburns…

We’re all counting on you to perfect your imperfections. After all, the success of the 2012 Texas Rangers season is counting on it.

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