Dec 022012
 

Josh Hamiltons Free Agent Purgatory: Alternative Landing SpotOver one full month has passed since the Detroit Tigers hit the snooze button on the 2012 Major League Baseball season. Thirty days throttled passed without Josh Hamilton finding a new suitor for his services.

Yes, only 21 days left for X-mas shopping and no Hamilton news. Yep, the Mayan Apocalypse might occur with Hamilton still a RangerWhatever, I have credit cards that won’t expire until 2014 so I call BS on the whole Mayan thing.

Regardless, it looks like we’re going to have to be patient before plotting the destination for Hamilton’s next venture. You’ve got to love learning a lesson about patience from the dude that swings at the first pitch like his bat is on fire.

Heads up on the front row, bro.

So where will Hamilton finally land for 2013 and beyond? Some think it will be here in Texas. I would have been excited about that possibility in, say, mid-May. Now I’m ready to cash-whip Zack Greinke and give Craig Gentry or Leonys Martin a shot at center.

I feel that a viable suitor has been right under our noses this whole time and yet I haven’t read one single character—not even a full word, brah!—about this completely obvious scenario.

So which team is it? Here’s a hint: it’s not the Texas Rangers. Pittsburgh Pirates? Yeah, right man. Brewers? Ha! Dodgers? Huh-uh. Hanshin Tigers? Wouldn’t that be hilarious?

Nope. Josh Hamilton is going to sign a contract with the…

Harlem Globetrotters.

Yep, those guys.

Oh whatever, you’ve got to give the Globetrotters their propers, man. Without them there’d be no And One; there’d also be far too few ironic nicknames—a bald dude named Curly! Get it?  A fat guy named Slim? Oh, you crazy sons of guns, you!!

Seriously though, Hamilton could play a mean power forward in Harlem, I’m willing to bet. Still not convinced? Here goes.

Why Josh Hamilton Would Be a Great Globetrotter

No walls 

Yep, in the wonderful world of professional basketball, there are no pesky walls to run into, lest your crack-ravaged body splinter and explode like a stone tossed through a glass house.

BONUS: No greedy third base coaches to make you run when you don’t want to. It’s pretty much “Hamiltopia.”

• Superglue for the Splintered Ego

It became quite obvious at times this year that the big man’s fragile ego was put to the  test. Or maybe it was the nicotine withdrawal. Whatever. Anyhow, sometimes all you need to get you out of a mild depression is a sweet nickname. And, according to the White Boys That Play Hoops Act of 1994, all caucasian men that play professional basketball, must be nicknamed “Professor.” Why? Because Vanilla Ice was already taken and nobody wants to go by Snow (not even the Canadiens.)

• Minimal Effort Means Wins

Much like Hamilton is always trying to hit two home runs with one swing, the Globetrotters skirt the easy layup for the backboard-bruising dunk.

Besides, Washington Generals have about as much chance of winning as the Baltimore Orioles do in a one game playoff…wait a minute…

• No Sherlock’s in Harlem

Yep, as far as I know, there is no Sherlock’s in Harlem. This is good because it will help to keep Hamilton’s bathroom love affairs in check. A successful offseason is predicated by keeping the Toilet Bowl Betties to a bare minimum.

• All Games Indoors

Did you hear that, Hambone? All games are inside! Yep, no more weird contacts or half-assed excuses about why you can’t hit during the day.

• No Need to Worry About a Big Contract

No need to fret about a fat contract when you’re playing for the Harlem Globetrotters…mainly because, well, you won’t be getting one! Seriously; I’m pretty sure those dudes work for 2.13 an hour plus tips.

• No Spring Training in Arizona…

Or anywhere else for that matter. Come on, we all know that Hami doesn’t want to actually put in any extra work! Plus, all that whip cream on the nipples—not to mention crotch shots at local Arizona watering holes—well, it’s damn hard on the skin.

Josh Hamiltons Free Agent Purgatory: Alternative Landing Spot

@TMurrayHowell

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Jul 132012
 
Rangers All Stars

The All-Star break officially concludes today as the Rangers (and the other team’s we don’t care about as much) return to action tonight in Seattle.

Seems like a good time to check in our five pre-season predictions.

Checking in our pre season predictions...#1.  Ian Kinsler will win the 2012 AL MVP Award

Not looking too good on this one.  Kinsler started off the season with a bang, like the entire Rangers offense, but has since been good (not great) at best.

Currently leads MLB in At-Bats, Plate Appearances and Runs Scored, but that would be expected by an average lead-off hitter with the Rangers batting order following him.  He’s also 6th in MLB in doubles, which is nice, but not going to get you any nods at the end of the year when they are handing out the hardware.

Current slash is .279/.341/.442 for an OPS of .783 which would be the lowest in his career if the season ended today.

It’s gonna take one heck of a second half from Kins to prove us right on this one.

Checking in our pre season predictions...#2. Elvis Andrus will be the starting short-stop for the 2012 American League All-Star team

WRONG.  All Star – Yes, Starter – No.  Elvis had a great first half, but the Rangers voting base couldn’t overcome the power of Jeter.

E’s current slash is .293/.368/.393 for an OPS of .761 which would be the highest in his career (next best was .708 last year), so he continues to improve.

That said, starting in an All-Star game may not occur until Jeter is completely out of the game or has changed positions, simply due to the respect around the league Jeter has earned.  Feels very similar to the Ozzie Smith situation in the 80′s when Barry Larkin was clearly the better player, but feel short in the voting to the fan favorite.

Checking in our pre season predictions...#3. Mitch Moreland will remain healthy all year and will hit 30 home runs

Mitch was on pace for this, before landing on the DL last month with a strained hamstring.  He had 10 dingers in 158 ABs, which would translate to 30 dingers if he could have approached the 450-500 AB plateau.

Moreland should return to the line-up later this month or in early August, but the 4-6 week absence will be too much to overcome for the second part of this prediction to come true.

Checking in our pre season predictions...#4. At the all-star break, Joe Nathan will be in the top five save leaders in Major League baseball

7th in the American League close enough…?  Guess not.

Nathan has been dominant since getting over his early season woes and has compiled 18 saves in 36 games with a 1.73 ERA and a 0.936 WHIP.

The opportunities haven’t been there as often as needed in order to get him into the top 5 in MLB, but we are very happy with the Rangers closer.

Checking in our pre season predictions...#5. The Texas Rangers win the 2012 World Series

The Rangers went into the season as one of the favorites and have done nothing to lose ground here.  We’ll check back in on this one in November…

So, all in, we are looking to be 0 for 4 on our first 4 predictions (with Kinsler still as a pipe dream), with our fifth and final prediction still very much in play.

Looking forward to the second half!

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