Apr 072012

Texas Rangers Wielded Huge Wieners, Shafting ChiSox 3 2Ah, opening day. You’ve got to love it. The 2012 Texas Rangers are undefeated thus far, thanks to a clutch, 3-2 victory. This season might just be even better than last year’s…plus gigantic wieners!!!

Now that baseball—real baseball! Not that fake spring training drivel—is finally here, it’s time to put to bed some questions the Rangers had heading into Friday’s season opener against the Chicago White Sox.

To heck with his demons, can Josh Hamilton squelch his own personal kryptonite and be able to best his ultimate foe—the Sun?

You better believe it. Josh Hamilton bested his oldest nemesis— in-game nemesis, that is—the Sun, to the tune of a 2-3 day with an RBI and a run scored, to boot. Take that you spherical mass consisting of plasma and magnetic fields! Booya!

Can Colby Lewis keep the ball in the yard, and pitch effectively?

Colby Lewis did surrender a fifth inning home run to Adam Dunn. Hey, that’s really no big deal, if Dunn was going to hit one out at all, it was going to be off of the homer-prone Lewis, at the homer-friendly Rangers Ballpark in Arlington. Other than that, Lewis was dynamite—putting in a performance easily worthy of opening-day starter status.

Can Michael Young segue his torrid spring into the regular season, even though he didn’t ask for a trade?

Well, the funny thing about a tradition is that it’s not always a good thing. And, hell, sometimes it wasn’t even your intention to start it in the first place.

For example, running out Captain Noodle Arm—Julio Borbon—to start in center field in ’10 & ‘11. And in MY’s case, demanding a trade in spring training (circa 2009-2011).

Young hit well over .400 all spring, and managed to drive in the eventual winning run in the season opener. Looks like MY’s excellence at the dish is a trend that will continue.

Meanwhile, Borbon was somewhere in the minors with his arm stuck to a centerfield wall (or bench)—yep, that means the “noodle” is done.

Will Joe Nathan be able to return to his old self?

Well, to paraphrase Sheriff Ed Tom Bell from Cormac McCarthy’s No Country for Old Men: “If that wasn’t the old Joe Nathan, it’ll do until the other one gets here.”

One-inning, no hits, one strikeout, and, most importantly: one save. Works for me.

Can Alexi Ogando continue his dominance from the bullpen?

Alexi Ogando was a filthy animal hell-bent on unleashing his right arm’s fury upon the White Sox. He struck out the side in the seventh, using his 97 MPH fastball, and devastating slider. Stuff like this, coupled with his first-half success as a starter from a year ago, might not be hidden in any other team’s bullpen.

Yup, yup. Rangers got crazy depth, yo!

Will David Murphy earn a starting spot in the outfield?

He earned the start in the 2012 opener. Extremely small sample size, but hey, he deserves a legitimate stretch to prove that he can hit left-handers with regularity. I think he can. Getting a hit off of the White Sox’s John Danks, a southpaw, is a great start to proving his case.

How many gigantic wieners will be consumed?

The gargantuan—even by Texas standards—hot dog, which measures two-feet in length, and consists of one pound of beef and over 4,000 calories was unleashed unto the masses at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington for the first (and definitely not the last) time, on opening day.

Obesity epidemic…Take that!

Humongous wieners were consumed, no doubt. One estimate had the Rangers selling $5,000 worth of the artery-clogging monstrosity.

My advice to you: skip the two-foot wiener, unless, of course, it happens to be two-dollar, two-foot wiener night.

Personally, I’d rather consume three beers with my $26, than one gigantic wiener. But, hey, that’s just me.

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